Josephine Bosma on Fri, 6 Aug 2004 21:57:21 +0200 (CEST)

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[Nettime-nl] fwd: wreck this mess: I hate the Dutch

[wReck this meSS is een programma op radio patapoe dat wordt gemaakt
door een Nederlandse Amerikaan (van NL afkomst maar op jonge leeftijd
naar USA ge-emigreerd) Vanwege de situatie van de illegale
radiostations laat ik zijn naam even weg. Radio Patapoe en dus ook dit
programma zijn te beluisteren via de livestream van patapoe te vinden
op . Radio en stream waren de afgelopen
paar weken vanwege technische storingen onbereikbaar, maar die lijken
nu verholpen. Mocht je het even niet treffen gewoon nog es proberen
een andere keer! Er wordt wel es door digibeten geklungeld met de
studiocomputer schijnt het.
wReck this meSS heeft steeds een ander thema, en de playlist van het
afgelopen programma wilde ik jullie niet onthouden. Hij is zonder hem
ook te horen amusant genoeg. Je kunt hem printen en gebruiken om de
barbecue aan te steken misschien! groet en smelt niet de komende
dagen. JB]

wReck thiS meSS ~ Radio Patapoe 97.2 ~ Amsterdam

Ethno-Illogical Psycho-Radiographies: no. 257: I Hate The Dutch

Maandag, 7 Juni 2004 (17.00 to 19.00)

In his brief discussion on this phenomenon, Claude Lévi-Strauss claims that "musique concrète
may be intoxicated with the illusion that it is saying something; in fact,
it is floundering in non-significance."
The Raw and the Cooked: Introduction to a Society of Mythology,
trans. John and Doreen Weightman

"Dutch jazz is the sound of a scratchy phonograph record"
o bart plantenga, "Beat the Dutch"

Temazcal > Arnold Marinissen [1]
Sensamaya > Willem Breuker Kollektief [2]
Little X Plus > Exseption [3]
I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie [4]
Ascension > Jozef van Wissem & Tetuzi Akimyama [5]
Imagination > Kristina Fuchs [6]
The Typewriter > Willem Breuker Kollektief [2]
Miniature no. 1 > b:lab [7]

Dutch ejaculation = scraping excess head off a beer

Hold > Kristina Fuchs [6]
Windows of My Eyes > Cuby & the Blizzaards [8]
Unshift > 87central [7]
Bird's Bath > Greetje Bijma [9]
Presto > Jaap Blonk [10]

Dutch orgasm = electroshock therapy

I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie [4]
Solitude Sample > Robert van Heuman [7]
A Magic Square of 5 to Listen To > Paul Panhuysen [11]
Blossom > Greetje Bijma [9]
Ich Fang den Tag mit einem Jodler An > Jopie Vogelvang [12]
The Sad Shepherd / Lines of Loneliness > Greetje Bijma [9]
A Magic Square of 5 to Listen To > Paul Panhuysen [11]

Dutch fellatio = vacuum cleaner

Cirkels / Windmills of My Mind > Herman van Veen [13]
Sit Down Listen ¦ > Greetje Bijma [9]
Intro Jam / Chilled > Junkie XL [14]
Diplopia > Jozef van Wissem & Gary Lucas [14]
Casio > Junkie XL [14]

Dutch intellectual = a barking dog on a short leash in a small backyard

The Mirror Stage > Jozef van Wissem & Gary Lucas [14]
Mad Man Blues > Houtkamp's POW3 [15]
A Nice Cup of Tea > Greetje Bijma [9]
I Hate the Dutch > Jona Lewie [4]
Chanson du Matin > Arnold Marinissen [1]

Dutch summer = August 1 - August 2


[1] "Traces of Cultures" on BVHaast <>, the label
created by Willem Breuker to encourage new music composition. This
is an intriguing syncretic disc of world music sounds and new
classical and electro-acoustic compositions with an emphasis on
percussion. Anthropology meets a guy at the controls. Great disc.

[2] "With Strings Attached" on  BVHaast <>. WB has
this kinetic, impatient and humorous approach to jazz and
interpretation. Here fully expressive in explosive and whimsical
bursts WBK inventively interprets Gershwin, Scandinavian Alfred
Janson, Satie, and here American popular music composer, Leroy
Anderson, who did PDQ Bach meets Raymond Scott type of witty
composing. Recommended even if some of the edge has been polished
off his cutting side.

[3] "Exseption" on Philips vinyl. Sounding like the Animals and
looking like just about every 60s hippie band C&B included the
soon to be juicer genius and mentor of Nina Hagen, the multi-
talented and loveable Herman Brood who jumped off the Amsterdam
Hilton [location of the Ono-Lennon Sleep-In] on my birthday in 2002.

[4] "I Hate the Dutch" John Dowie [1977, EP "Another Close Shave"].

[Lalalala - Dick van Dyke]
I'm a British Tourist and I'm very, very rude.
I hate the stinking foreigners
hate their stinking food

I don't like French or Germans
I don't care for Belgians much
But worst of all worst of all
I hate the Dutch

The Dutch, the Dutch
I hate them worse than dogs.
They live in windmills
and mince around in clogs.

They don't have any manners
They don't say 'thanks' or 'please'
all they eat is tulips
and stinking gouda cheese...

I'm a British tourist with a countenance severe
I love to strike the foreign type
And box their poxied ears

But there's one woggy dago
I cannot bear to touch
The slimy crawling
stench appalling
snotty grotty Dutch

The Dutch are mad
Their fingers stuck in dikes
They use the wrong side of the road
And ride around on bikes

They don't have any manners,
don't have any brains.
There's only one race worse than them
and that's... THE DANES!

JOHN DOWIE, Born in Birmingham in 1950. Wildly humorous poet,
song sketcher and on-stage comedy antics. Form comedy/rock band
Mr John Dowie & The Big Girl's Blouse in mid-70s. Perform ear-
splitting gigs in Britain and abroad, Release e.p. on Virgin
Records, Another Close Shave, six tracks including British Tourist
(I Hate The Dutch). Release Acne, Idiot, Hitler's Liver on Factory
Record's debut A Factory Sampler. Still at it. VERY underrated.

[5] "Proletarian  Drift" on BVHaast < >. Not as
engaging as his work with Gary Lucas which reaaly had some thump
and kinetics. This has its moments but I prefer his solo work or
the Lucas collaboration.

[6] "Whence & Wither" on EWM <>
<>. Working in a modern way with what she may
have gathered from Anita O'Day, Blossom Dearie, Carmen McCrae and
June London as well as some passes at Astrid Gilberto, she
surpasses them all in the breadth of her fun yet enchanting
repertoire plus she manages to evoke the glories of mountainous
terrain in a jazzy way. I met her through soundmaker Justin Bennett
and she did a great job of yodeling at the Amsterdam book launch
of my Yodel-Ay-Ee-Oooo. Then also handled the yodeling on my
appearance on the - surprising to me - popular late night
talk/variety show on Dutch TV called "Vara-Laat". KF was on hand
at the Erika Stucky gig at the venerable Bimhuis [may 13]. KF has
received accolades we thought could only be applied to Diane Kral.
She is every bit her equal.

[7] "N Collective: News from Holland - vol. 1" onX-Or
<>. The mental plane is surveyed, the brain
pan is emptied, the lobotomy is not wholly successful. Serrated
edge sounds that skirt and rip around the definitions of music.
Sonographic topographs across a parking lot of an abandoned
shopping plaza.

[8] Rockin' stuff from a band from which Herman Brood was to emerge
like an amphetamine-heroin doused phoenix.

[9] "Sit Down Listen¦" on BVHaast < >. On the title
cut she shifts effortlessly swaying between continents, sounding
like Yma Sumac, Indian Bollywood vocals, Tuvan, some yodeling
activity. Great stuff but where are the newest ululations?

[10] "Ursonate" on Basta <> <>. This
consists of 2 versions of the Schwitters composition, one recorded
in 1986 [Amsterdam]  and the 2nd in 2003 in a chapel in Breda. Kurt
Schwitters was a loner Dadaist after being rejected by the Berlin
Dadaists. Maybe they were right to do so because he eventually
created 2 masterpieces [contrary to Dada principle] Merzbow and
Ursonate. The Dadaists were right [maybe not first, however] to
show that logic and reason and clear-headed thinking did NOT lead
to enlightenment but instead led lockstep to war and ingeniously
efficient methods of oppression. Schwitters fled the Nazis in 1937
and ended up in Norway where he died in 1948. The Ursonate is set
up as a classical 4-movement symphony although the result was a
provocation of poetic expectation: audiences could not get around
the fact that he was not saying anything profound. The Ursonate was
open to interpretation based on specific and general notes left
behind by Schwitters. Blonk is a natural heir to the Dadaists as
he grew up in the exact sciences and worked in hierarchical office
organizational systems. This verbal break out was like a man finding
consciousness as improvisation led to satisfaction. Since 1979 he
has learned the Ursonate by heart and has performed it on record
twice. Both are included here. His early recitations meant
[Dadaistically] performing in the Amsterdam zoo, on the street, in
malls, train stations, pastures, the office of the insurance company
where he was employed and eventually taking in bars and cafes and
readings. The Ursonate is an incredibly powerful paean to the joys
of heady and irrational ululations - and there are some yodeling
gestures in his section 4 Presto of the newer version. This is not
as odd as it seems - the Dadists seemed quite at home with the absurd
powers of yodeling¦ [see WTM #255]

[11] "A Magic Square of 5 To Look At" on Plinkety Plonk
<>. Liner notes: "A magic square is a series
of numbers arranged in a square grid so, that the sum of each
horizontal and vertical row of the corner diagonals is always the
same. Magic squares reveal harmony of number and refer to the nature
of existence and cosmic order dominated by mathematical regularity."
Not rock and roll, then. One of the more interesting minimalist-

[12] "Muzikale Bloemengroet voor U" on Cawa <>. She
has the lungs and the charm to be the heir to the trhown left empty
by the passing of Olga Lowina. Charming retro-yodel numbers that are
more fun the more they veer into kitsch and camp and fake folk. She
is loads of fun live.

[13] "Alles" on Polydor vinyl. HvV is like some hippie version of Mancini.

[14] "Diplopia" BVHaast < >. This ls rockin' music
from the 17th-century. A strange dynamic that is very effective in
bridging the 3-something centuries between now and then.

[15] "The Thirteen Bar Blues" on X-Or <>
<>. If androids fell to earth and tried to unravel
the mystery of the simple depths of the blues it would probably
sound a little like this. In an attempt to use the computer to find
the essential form of the blues and then play with it, Houtkamp's
Pow3 have created an interesting tension between soul and machine,
investigation and improv whereby the musicians interact with computer
generated blues riffs and the machines begin to assume an autonomy to
the point where they may very likely be making their own blues music
without the interference of human beings. One of my Top 30 Best of 2003.

the current Dutch government is looking to make a mess of everything
that makes NL an exceptional place to live, a place that most Americans,
look on in envy, always noting how much further ahead of the US 'we'
are. That is coming to a grinding hault as the christian-capitalist
party seeks to dismantle everything public and functioning relatively
well for the average person such as the privatisation of the airwaves,
the railroads¦ the disasters coming can be easily predicted if one
takes a look at the privatised British railways worse service, more
dangerous at higher cost, while costs for water [also privatised] in
UK have gone up dramatically while functionality has decreased¦ The
mantra is choice here and everywhere. People don't want more choice
they want more and better service. And everywhere the few stockholders
and CEOs are laughing at the expense of the masses.

And yet, a recent UN survey of kids 11-15 in 30 countries revealed
Dutch kids the happiest and generally most satisfied with life as it
is. The US finished in 23rd place. Meanwhile NL rated #5 in the UN
Human Development Report for 2004 an index that factors in life
expectancy, GDP, literacy, education enrolment [99%] ¦ It finished
behind Norway, Sweden, Australia, and Canada. The US finished 8th
because altho it had a higher avg income than anyone except the
Norwegians, it also finished low in life expectancy and enrolment
in education 92%¦


BEAT THE DUTCH NOW! [an excerpt]

by bart plantenga

None other than in the Original Roget's Thesaurus under entry number
517, unintelligibilty, subheading insanity, does one read "double
Dutch."  Through much of the existence of any kind of Dutch state
(unconscious or otherwise) - at least from the Middle Ages through
the middle of the 19th century - The Dutch have been portrayed as
possessors of a slothful, inebriated, indulgent, slime-dwelling,
pagan, and irresponsible nature, with "dunghill soul(s)" as Andrew
Marvell fulmigated, with either a bovine or swinish physique thrown
in. In fact, the word "Dutch" itself became "an epithet of
inferiority."  Teddy Roosevelt, his own past rooted in the Dutch
province of Zeeland, complained that "anything foreign and un-English"
came to be called Dutch.  Why even Dutch elm disease is often perceived
as having a Dutch cause when, in fact, it was actually meant as an
international scientific tribute to honor the excellent Dutch research
which led to a solution to this disease.

In general surveys produced in southern countries such as France and
Italy, the Dutch are often seen as phlegmatic, cool, without emotion.
Many writers from other lands have cast their aspersions every which
way and often at the Dutch. Simone de Beauvoir was vexed by the
living-dead calm of a Dutchman facing great strife.  The Italian writer,
Luigi Barzini thought the Dutch were unimaginative and slow-thinking.
Montesquieu portrayed them as money-hungry pennypinchers.
Schopenhauer's mother complained about the endless tollbooths along
the roads and waterways. Kant considered them unspiritual. Others
concur, insisting that their only spirituality is order and that their
only bibles comprise of accounting ledgers. The Portuguese writer,
Rentes de Carvalho saw the Dutch as having a good life that they did
not know how to enjoy. The French put forth their own colonial
invective: Voltaire summed up the Dutch simply as "canards, canaux,
canaille" or "ducks, canals, rascals." Napoleon meanwhile  adjudged
the Dutch as "a stupid people." While in 1830, the Frenchman, Lepeintre
noted: "The Dutch are half-baked without fire, melancholy, and stale."
Denis Diderot spent an entire book musing about Dutch drink, chicks and
the inferiority of the Dutch then calling it journalism: "The fact that
Holland has no sculptors is because the Dutch have no taste."  Another
French writer, Asselin in 1921 noted how reasonable, forthright,
unliterary. and without irony the Dutch seem. By obsessing over details
the Dutch seldom see the greater whole. And many, many foreign observers
have observed that the Dutch drink too much. One French student studying
in 17th-century Leiden, noted that even the drinking was controlled by
ceremony, rules, and discipline. Italians have long marvelled in sickly
awe at how much the Dutch supposedly ate. Americans think the Dutch
smoke too much¦.

The chief slime-hurling slanderers were those who felt most threatened
by this spunky splatter of muddy land. The Spanish, French and English
all took turns in the 16th through 18th centuries doing battle with
the Dutch. Holland was seen with an attitude of contemptuous respect,
begrudging admiration or befuddled irritation. A wonder and scourge
among nations - economically successful because they were irreligious
and greedy. The Dutch were best tolerated if they affected the lowly
characters they'd been cast in by their enemies. As Simon Schama
notes, "Netherlanders then were tolerated so long as they cut poor
figures - comical in their aspirations to higher things but consumed
by their lust for gain."  Schama further contends convincingly that
the Dutch aroused rancor only when their behavior began to subvert
"the consoling cliché of meanness."  Schama further heads out on the
limb of a Dutch elm when he contends that the rest of Europe was
projecting its own anxieties onto the Dutch and that the "Dutch were
made the whipping boys for tender European consciences, disturbed by
their own growing fixation with hard cash."  And that there "was
something more phobic about the vocabulary of abuse against the Dutch
than seems warranted by the calculations of commercial calculation."
Let us look at some of these reasons based in opportunistic
unreasonableness. Because the most ironic of these accusations was
that the Dutch were not playing fair when they refused to act as
unreasonable, chauvinistic, royal, elite, ruthless and unforgiving as
their foaming foes. Holland was characterized as an ungrateful "crazy,
sickly province ..."  despised because it had altered the rules of war
and the tenor of diplomacy.

But it is clearly the English who have, since the 16th century,
distinguished themselves as the most accomplished and prolific of
the disparagers, slanderers, and wielders of poison pens.  They took
the hearsay, gossip, and racial slurs to heart and mind and crafted
it into economic policy. Anxiety-based slurs became propaganda became
policy which led to wars. Their preoccupations with the bodily
functions and foibles of the Dutch seem to mimic the same ones they
apply to their other natural neighbor and cultural enemy, the Scottish
and Irish. And with the emerging preeminence of English as the world's
common language the slurs were to become ever more greatly magnified
and indelibly printed upon the collective mindset of the English-
speaking world.

The aspersions dealt with everything from body to soul. They hyped
up the perception of heavy, bulky, corpulent body types as a clear
sign of Dutch inferiority. Ironically today, the Dutch appear much
the opposite - now tall and lanky - and it is the English who are
often identified as such with their unhealthy and unmodern diets.
William Temple, British diplomat and general spiritual dyspeptic,
in any case, described the Dutch in the heat of one of the English-
Dutch Wars as "naturally cold and heavy." Diderot, meanwhile spent
much of his time painfully wondering if he was attracted to Dutch
women, all his lustings disguised as philosophical musings: "Dutch
women are pretty," he observes at first, "so far as one can be
pretty with an enormous bosom and ditto for the backside." Later,
after kicking himself for not following up on an opportunity to
meet a young Dutch meisje, he pouts childishly: "They are very stout,
have ugly teeth and flabby skin just like in the paintings of Rubens."
More recently, comedian Alan Coren described how "the Dutch fall into
2 quite distinct physical types: the small, corpulent, red-faced Edams,
and the thinner, paler, larger Goudas..."  "You will find Dutch men and
women and animals fat." Diderot continued.   But fairly contemporary
times are not immune either. Take Ronald Reagan, for instance. In her
biography of the young Reagan, Anne Edwards writes: "Jack [Reagan's
father] continued to brag about his 'fat little Dutchman' (a term
chosen because of the child's robust appearance) and so 'Dutch' was
what the child was nicknamed and most often called."  This, despite
the fact that Reagan had no Dutch ancestors!

While no more a revered class guy than Shakespeare himself often
chose the "swag-bellied Hollander" to lampoon in his Comedy of Errors:
- "Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?
- Oh sir, I did not look so low."¦

This English pasttime of Dutch-bashing (which of course, very accurately
identifies their own island-mentality insecurities and self-styled jingo-
isolationism) was lovingly passed along like a verbal pestilence in the
early settlement days of the mid-17th century to a wide variety of North
Americans  from Washington Irving, who portrayed the Dutch as obese,
gluttonous, and lethargic; to Henry Miller, who in one of his crankier
and less priapic books, Aller Retour New York,  observed, "You mustn't
get the impression ... that the Dutch are lacking in intelligence. On
the contrary, I should say they are very intelligent, even more so than
the seal or the otter." Even the auto-pugilistic comedy team, The 3
Stooges, whose television antics were my early source of English, got
into the act in their Beer Barrel Polecats  where out of nowhere (most
likely Vaudeville) Larry asks the other two Stooges, "How 'bout some
Dutch lunch?"

"What's 'at?" Curly asks.

"Burnt toast and a rotten egg."


With typical Dutch punctuality, this playlist is 2 months late...
Meanwhile, as we rebuild our studios and upgrade our hardware and get
geared up for the fall we are temporarily not broadcasting in the ether.
PTP will be back leaner and meaner in no time.

Send all sound material for airplay and review to:
Wreck This MeSS
Radio 100 / Radio Patapoe

o "plus another few hundred when it hits the BSI list!" Ezra
o Old playlists archived at <>
o Selected Playlists  at
o Soon, the unveiling of new juggernaut: <>
courtesy of Pavement Tulip, a genius stuck in the body of a Polish skier
in Brooklyn's inner denouement.



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