waz on Fri, 30 Apr 1999 11:42:33 +0200 (CEST)

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<nettime> on the war. again. sorry.

i am so jealous of those people who can be against this war easily.

i want to be against the war. i am usually against the war. just like
when i was little, and my father and my mother would row, and my
judgement was that my father was bullying my mother unfairly, and i
would side with her, with the side of peace, the side of fairness, the
side that didn't involve anyone being hit by anyone or hurt by anyone,
and yet occasionally it would be my mother who would turn into a
monster, and yell and scream and be violent.. and those times i wouldn't
know what the hell to do or think and just became incredibly scared and
hid somewhere...

right now i want to hide. this war makes me want to hide. and it so
happens i work for a uk media organisation where there are all kinds of
extra security precautions being taken at the moment - because of the
targeting of Serb broadcasters? because of Jill Dando? we don't know.
and the fascists bombed Brixton, where I live, and Brick Lane too, and
it really is all being brought home now, and the violent warmongering
fools are all coming out this year, and i really do want to hide. and to
shut the hell up. and be quiet for a bit.

and i reread my pro-war postings and try and kid myself that there was
my father speaking not me, but i am wrong and simply find it hard to
accept it when propaganda defeats me, and i reread the postings from
belgrade and am ashamed. of myself. of my country. of humanity. and not
because i am suddenly against this war. or for it.

what the fuck is to be done with the lot of us? enough already. western
civilisation *would* be a good idea. where the hell do we start?



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