flesh h][i.j][acker on 22 Nov 2000 04:15:26 -0000

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Re: [Nettime-bold] Fwd: Revocation of Independence

.yet again proving that typified americans have no perceivable sense of

At 01:34 PM 22/11/00 +1000, you wrote:
>I received this today. I thought I should reproduce it in full because it's 
>a wonderful example of something or other.
>regards to all,
>I go to school at Scripps College in Claremont, CA, USA. Your "Notice of 
>Revocation of Independence" was circulated throughout our school via e-mail 
>and I forwarded it to a friend going to school in Chicago, who in turn 
>circulated it throughout his own class. Someone has written the following 
>response. I don't know if they are serious or not, but they asked me to 
>send it to the originator. I'm hopping that's you, if it's not, could you 
>pass it on?
>Thanks a lot.
>Irene Frank
>PS: I thought it was hilarious, and if this person is serious, that they 
>are a close minded SOB, but that's beside the point.
>Just in case you have been deluged with copies of that damn 'revocation of 
>American independence' e-mail during the elongated and 
>beginningtobecomeabitofabore presidential contest, I thought I'd send along 
>an American rebuttal.
>To the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
>We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting 
>for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As 
>always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world 
>power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right- o chum!
>However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.
>On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new 
>policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have 
>little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to 
>continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems 
>that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by 
>the majority of
>the world.
>To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a 
>series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:
>1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't 
>always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your 
>"aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name 
>"aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name 
>evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. 
>In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling 
>and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
>dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the 
>process of actually producing aluminum was developed
>by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to 
>thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting 
>collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original 
>edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. 
>William Charles Minor.
>2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll 
>talk about the English and Australian accent issue.
>3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 
>4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. 
>Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, 
>and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also 
>heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year 
>doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty 
>well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.
>5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title 
>whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has 
>an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania 
>ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The 
>Wind" again for you guys.
>6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United 
>States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. 
>United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 
>2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your 
>fans start an international incident.
>7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n'Vinegar 
>chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your 
>country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are 
>soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize 
>the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.
>8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is 
>that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, 
>it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a 
>car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. 
>That's why we bought the companies.
>9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
>Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap 
>Opinions expressed in this email are my own unless otherwise stated.
>If you have received this in error, please ignore it.
>Phil Graham, Graduate School of Management
>University of Queensland
>Nettime-bold mailing list
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